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Showing posts with label Windblown Media. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Windblown Media. Show all posts

Thursday, November 13, 2008

FIRST: The Shack by William Young



It is time to play a Wild Card! Every now and then, a book that I have chosen to read is going to pop up as a FIRST Wild Card Tour. Get dealt into the game! (Just click the button!) Wild Card Tours feature an author and his/her book's FIRST chapter!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!





Today's Wild Card author is:


and the book:


The Shack

Windblown Media; 1st edition (July 1, 2008)


ABOUT THE AUTHOR:


Wm. Paul Young was born a Canadian and raised among a Stone Age tribe by his missionary parents in the highlands of former New Guinea. He suffered great loss as a child and young adult and now enjoys the "wastefulness of grace" with his family in the Pacific Northwest.

Visit the author's website.

The author will be on the Blog Talk Radio show on on November 4th at 2PM ET. Come and listen!

Product Details:

List Price: $ 14.99
Paperback: 256 pages
Publisher: Windblown Media; 1st edition (July 1, 2008)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0964729237
ISBN-13: 978-0964729230



AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:


A Confluence of Paths

Two roads diverged in the middle of my life,
I heard a wise man say
I took the road less traveled by
And that's made the difference every night and every day

—Larry Norman (with apologies to Robert Frost)

March unleashed a torrent of rainfall after an abnormally dry winter. A cold front out of Canada then descended and was held in place by a swirling wind that roared down the Gorge from eastern Oregon. Although spring was surely just around the corner, the god of winter was not about to relinquish its hard-won dominion without a tussle. There was a blanket of new snow in the Cascades, and rain was now freezing on impact with the frigid ground outside the house; enough reason for Mack to snuggle up with a book and a hot cider and wrap up in the warmth of a crackling fire.

But instead, he spent the better part of the morning telecommuting into his downtown desktop. Sitting comfortably in his home office wearing pajama pants and a T-shirt, he made his sales calls, mostly to the East Coast. He paused frequently, listening to the sound of crystalline rain tinging off his window and watching the slow but steady accumulation of frozen ice thickening on everything outside. He was becoming inexorably trapped as an ice—prisoner in his own home—much to his delight.

There is something joyful about storms that interrupt routine. Snow or freezing rain suddenly releases you from expectations, performance demands, and the tyranny of appointments and schedules. And unlike illness, it is largely a corporate rather than individual experience. One can almost hear a unified sigh rise from the nearby city and surrounding countryside where Nature has intervened to give respite to the weary humans slogging it out within her purview. All those affected this way are united by a mutual excuse, and the heart is suddenly and unexpectedly a little giddy. There will be no apologies needed for not showing up to some commitment or other. Everyone understands and shares in this singular justification, and the sudden alleviation of the pressure to produce makes the heart merry.

Of course, it is also true that storms interrupt business and, while a few companies make a bit extra, some companies lose money—meaning there are those who find no joy when everything shuts down temporarily. But they can't blame anyone for their loss of production, or for not being able to make it to the office. Even if it's hardly more than a day or two, somehow each person feels like the master of his or her own world, simply because those little droplets of water freeze as they hit the ground.

Even commonplace activities become extraordinary. Routine choices become adventures and are often experienced with a sense of heightened clarity. Late in the afternoon, Mack bundled up and headed outdoors to struggle the hundred or so yards down the long driveway to the mailbox. The ice had magically turned this simple everyday task into a foray against the elements: the raising of his fist in opposition to the brute power of nature and, in an act of defiance, laughing in its face. The fact that no one would notice or care mattered little to him—just the thought made him smile inside.

The icy rain pellets stung his cheeks and hands as he carefully worked his way up and down the slight undulations of the driveway; he looked, he supposed, like a drunken sailor gingerly heading toward the next watering hole. When you face the force of an ice storm, you don't exactly walk boldly forward in a show of unbridled confidence. Bluster will get you battered. Mack had to get up off his knees twice before he was finally hugging the mailbox like some long-lost friend.

He paused to take in the beauty of a world engulfed in crystal. Everything reflected light and contributed to the heightened brilliance of the late afternoon. The trees in the neighbor's field had all donned translucent mantles and each now stood unique but unified in their presentation. It was a glorious world and for a brief moment its blazing splendor almost lifted, even if only for a few seconds, The Great Sadness from Mack's shoulders.

It took almost a minute to knock off the ice that had already sealed shut the door of the mailbox. The reward for his efforts was a single envelope with only his first name typewritten on the outside; no stamp, no postmark, and no return address. Curious, he tore the end off the envelope, which was no easy task with fingers beginning to stiffen from the cold. Turning his back to the breath-snatching wind, he finally coaxed the single small rectangle of unfolded paper out of its nest. The typewritten message simply said:

Mackenzie,
It's been a while. I've missed you.
I'll be at the shack next weekend if you
want to get together.
-Papa

Mack stiffened as a wave of nausea rolled over him and then just as quickly mutated into anger. He purposely thought about the shack as little as possible and even when he did his thoughts were neither kind nor good. If this was someone's idea of a bad joke they had truly outdone themselves. And to sign it "Papa" just made it all the more horrifying.

"Idiot," he grunted, thinking about Tony the mailman; an overly friendly Italian with a big heart but little tact. Why would he even deliver such a ridiculous envelope? It wasn't even stamped. Mack angrily stuffed the envelope and note into his coat pocket and turned to start the slide back in the general direction of the house. Buffeting gusts of wind, which had initially slowed him, now shortened the time it took to traverse the mini glacier that was thickening beneath his feet.

He was doing just fine, thank you, until he reached that place in the driveway that sloped a little downward and to the left. Without any effort or intention he began to build up speed, sliding on shoes with soles that had about as much traction as a duck landing on a frozen pond. Arms flailing wildly in hopes of somehow maintaining the potential for balance, Mack found himself careening directly toward the only tree of any substantial size bordering the driveway—the one whose lower limbs he had hacked off only a few short months before. Now it stood eager to embrace him, half naked and seemingly anxious for a little retribution. In a fraction of a thought he chose the chicken's way out and tried to plop himself down by allowing his feet to slip out from under him—which is what they had naturally wanted to do anyway. Better to have a sore butt than pick slivers out of his face.

But the adrenaline rush caused him to over compensate, and in slow motion Mack watched his feet rise up in front of him as if jerked up by some jungle trap. He hit hard, back of the head first, and skidded to a heap at the base of the shimmering tree, which seemed to stand over him with a smug look mixed with disgust and not a little disappointment.

The world went momentarily black, or so it seemed. He lay there dazed and staring up into the sky, squinting as the icy precipitation rapidly cooled his flushed face. For a fleeting pause, everything felt oddly warm and peaceful, his ire momentarily knocked out by the impact. "Now, who's the idiot?" he muttered to himself, hoping that no one had been watching.

Cold was creeping quickly through his coat and sweater and Mack knew the ice rain that was both melting and freezing beneath him would soon become a major discomfort. Groaning and feeling like a much older man, he rolled onto his hands and knees. It was then that he saw the bright red skid mark tracing his journey from point of impact to final destination. As if birthed by the sudden awareness of his injury, a dull pounding began crawling up the back of his head. Instinctively, he reached for the source of the drum beat and brought his hand away bloody.

With rough ice and sharp gravel gouging his hands and knees, Mack half crawled and half slid until he eventually made it to a level part of the driveway. With not a little effort he was finally able to stand and gingerly inch his way toward the house, humbled by the powers of ice and gravity.

Once inside, Mack methodically shed the layers of outerwear as best he could, his half-frozen fingers responding with about as much dexterity as oversized clubs at the ends of his arms. He decided to leave the drizzly bloodstained mess right where he doffed it in the entryway and retreated painfully to the bathroom to examine his wounds. There was no question that the icy driveway had won. The gash on the back of his head was oozing around a few small pebbles still embedded in his scalp. As he had feared, a significant lump had already formed, emerging like a humpbacked whale breaching the wild waves of his thinning hair.

Mack found it a difficult chore to patch himself up by trying to see the back of his head using a small hand-held mirror that reflected a reverse image off the bathroom mirror. A short frustration later he gave up, unable to get his hands to go in the right directions and unsure which of the two mirrors was lying to him. By gingerly probing around the soggy gash he succeeded in picking out the biggest pieces of debris, until it hurt too much to continue. Grabbing some first-aid ointment and plugging the wound as best he could, he then tied a washcloth to the back of his head with some gauze he found in a bathroom drawer. Glancing at himself in the mirror, he thought he looked a little like some rough sailor out of Moby Dick. It made him laugh, then wince.

He would have to wait until Nan made it home before he would get any real medical attention; one of the many benefits of being married to a registered nurse. Anyway, he knew that the worse it looked the more sympathy he would get. There is often some compensation in every trial, if one looked hard enough. He swallowed a couple over-the-counter painkillers to dull the throbbing and limped toward the front entry.

Not for an instant had Mack forgotten about the note. Rummaging through the pile of wet and bloody clothing he finally found it in his coat pocket, glanced at it and then headed back into his office. He located the post office number and dialed it. As expected, Annie, the matronly postmaster and keeper of everyone's secrets, answered the phone. "Hi, is Tony in by chance?"

"Hey, Mack, is that you? Recognized your voice." Of course she did. "Sorry, but Tony ain't back yet. In fact I just talked to him on the radio and he's only made it halfway up Wildcat, not even to your place yet. Do ya need me to have him call ya, or would ya just like to leave a message?"

"Oh, hi. Is that you, Annie?" He couldn't resist, even though her Midwestern accent left no doubt. "Sorry, I was busy for a second there. Didn't hear a word you said."

She laughed. "Now Mack, I know you heard every word. Don't you be goin' and tryin' to kid a kidder. I wasn't born yesterday, ya know. Whaddya want me to tell him if he makes it back alive?"

"Actually, you already answered my question."

There was a pause at the other end. "Actually, I don't remember you askin' a question. What's wrong with you, Mack? Still smoking too much dope or do you just do that on Sunday mornings to make it through the church service?" At this she started to laugh, as if caught off guard by the brilliance of her own sense of humor.

"Now Annie, you know I don't smoke dope—never did, and don't ever want to." Of course Annie knew no such thing, but Mack was taking no chances on how she might remember the conversation in a day or two. Wouldn't be the first time that her sense of humor morphed into a good story that soon became "fact." He could see his name being added to the church prayer chain. "It's okay, I'll just catch Tony some other time, no big deal."

"Okay then, just stay indoors where it's safe. Don't ya know, an old guy like you coulda lost his sense of balance over the years. Wouldn't wanna see ya slip and hurt your pride. Way things are shapin' up, Tony might not make it up to your place at all. We can do snow, sleet, and darkness of night pretty well, but this frozen rain stuff. It's a challenge to be sure."

"Thanks, Annie. I'll try and remember your advice. Talk to you later. Bye now." His head was pounding more than ever; little trip hammers beating to the rhythm of his heart. "That's odd," he thought, "who would dare put something like that in our mailbox?" The painkillers had not yet fully kicked in, but were present enough to dull the edge of worry that he was starting to feel, and he was suddenly very tired. Laying his head down on the desk, he thought he had just dropped off to sleep when the phone startled him awake.

"Uh . . . hello?"

"Hi, love. You sound like you've been asleep." It was Nan, sounding unusually cheery, even though he felt he could hear the underlying sadness that lurked just beneath the surface of every conversation. She loved this kind of weather as much as he usually did. He switched on the desk lamp and glanced at the clock, surprised that he had been out for a couple hours.

"Uh, sorry. I guess I dozed off for a bit."

"Well, you sound a little groggy. Is everything all right?"

"Yup." Even though it was almost dark outside, Mack could see that the storm had not let up. It had even deposited low, and he knew some would eventually break from the weight, especially if the wind kicked up. "I had a little tussle with the driveway when I got the mail, but other than that, everything is fine. Where are you?"

"I'm still at Arlene's, and I think me and the kids'll spend the night here. It's always good for Kate to be around the family . . . seems to restore a little balance." Arlene was Nan's sister who lived across the river in Washington. "Anyway, it's really too slick to go out. Hopefully it'll break up by morning. I wish I had made it home before it got so bad, but oh well." She paused. "How's it up at the house?"

"Well, it's absolutely stunningly beautiful, and a whole lot safer to look at than walk in, trust me. I, for sure, don't want you to try and get up here in this mess. Nothing's moving. I don't even think Tony was able to bring us the mail."

"I thought you already got the mail?" she queried.

"Nope, I didn't actually get the mail. I thought Tony had already come and I went out to get it. There," he hesitated, looking down at the note that lay on the desk where he had placed it, "wasn't any mail yet. I called Annie and she said Tony probably wouldn't be able to make it up the hill, and I'm not going out there again to see if he did.

"Anyway," he quickly changed the subject to avoid more questions, "how is Kate doing over there?"

There was a pause and then a long sigh. When Nan spoke her voice was hushed to a whisper and he could tell she was covering her mouth on the other end. "Mack, I wish I knew. She is just like talking to a rock, and no matter what I do I can't get through. When we're around family she seems to come out of her shell some, but then she disappears again. I just don't know what to do. I've been praying and praying that Papa would help us find a way to reach her, but . . ." she paused again, "it feels like he isn't listening."

There it was. Papa was Nan's favorite name for God and it expressed her delight in the intimate friendship she had with him.

"Honey, I'm sure God knows what he's doing. It will all work out." The words brought him no comfort but he hoped they might ease the worry he could hear in her voice.

"I know," she sighed. "I just wish he'd hurry up."

"Me too," was all Mack could think to say. "Well, you and the kids stay put and stay safe, and tell Arlene and Jimmy hi, and thank them for me. Hopefully I will see you tomorrow."

"Okay, love. I should go and help the others. Everyone's busy looking for candles in case the power goes out. You should probably do the same. There's some above the sink in the basement, and there's leftover stuffed bread dough in the fridge that you can heat up. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, my pride is hurt more than anything."

"Well take it easy, and hopefully we'll see you in the morning."

"All right honey. Be safe and call me if you need anything. Bye."

It was kind of a dumb thing to say, he thought as he hung up the phone. Kind of a manly dumb thing, as if he could help if they needed anything.

Mack sat and stared at the note. It was confusing and painful trying to sort out the swirling cacophony of disturbing emotions and dark images clouding his mind—a million thoughts traveling a million miles an hour. Finally, he gave up, folded the note, slid it into a small tin box he kept on the desk, and switched off the light.

Mack managed to find something to heat up in the microwave, then he grabbed a couple of blankets and pillows and headed for the living room. A quick glance at the clock told him that Bill Moyer's show had just started; a favorite program that he tried never to miss. Moyer was one of a handful of people whom Mack would love to meet; a brilliant and outspoken man, able to express intense compassion for both people and truth with unusual clarity. One of the stories tonight had something to do with oilman Boone Pickens, who was now starting to drill for water, of all things.

Almost without thinking, and without taking his eyes off the television, Mack reached over to the end table, picked up a photo frame holding a picture of a little girl, and clutched it to his chest. With the other hand he pulled the blankets up under his chin and hunkered deeper into the sofa.

Soon the sounds of gentle snoring filled the air as the media tube turned its attention to a piece on a high school senior in Zimbabwe, who had been beaten for speaking out against his government. But Mack had already left the room to wrestle with his dreams; maybe tonight there would be no nightmares, only visions, perhaps, of ice and trees and gravity.


Copyright © 2007 by William P. Young




Tuesday, October 14, 2008

FIRST: So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore by Wayne Jacobsen and Dave Coleman



It is time to play a Wild Card! Every now and then, a book that I have chosen to read is going to pop up as a FIRST Wild Card Tour. Get dealt into the game! (Just click the button!) Wild Card Tours feature an author and his/her book's FIRST chapter!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!





Today's Wild Card authors are:



and



and the book:


So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore

Windblown Media (March 1, 2006)


ABOUT THE AUTHORS:


Wayne Jacobsen: age 55, Publisher of Windblown Media. Wayne is also the director of Lifestream Ministries, and he wanders around the planet helping people sort out what Jesus really taught. He is the author of So You Don’t Want to Go To Church Anymore, He Loves Me: Learning to Live in the Father’s Affection, Authentic Relationships: Discovering the Lost Art of One Anothering, In My Father’s Vineyard, Tales of the Vine, and The Naked Church and co-hosts a weekly podcast called The God Journey. For 20 years he was a pastor and also a Contributing Editor to Christianity Today’s Leadership Journal.

Wayne was a collaborator on The Shack. In his spare time, he acts as a mediator of religious conflicts in public education as the President of BRIDGEBUILDERS, and is recognized nationally for his expertise in resolving church and state issues. He lives in Moorpark, California with his wife of thirty-three years and enjoys his children and grandchildren.

Visit the author's website.




Dave Coleman is a retired hospice chaplain who continues to teach and counsel people on how to live closely with Jesus. Dave lives in Visalia, Caifornia.

Visit the author's website.




Product Details:

List Price: $11.99
Paperback: 191 pages
Publisher: Windblown Media (March 1, 2006)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0964729229
ISBN-13: 978-0964729223

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:


Stranger and Stranger Still


At that moment he was the last person I wanted to see. My day had been bad enough already; now I was certain it was about to get worse. Yet there he was. A moment before he had poked his head into the cafeteria, walked over to the beverage station, and poured himself some fruit juice. I thought about ducking under the table but quickly realized I was too old for that. Maybe he wouldn’t see me back in the corner. I looked down and covered my face with my hands.


Out of the cracks between my fingers, I could see he had turned, leaned back against the counter, and took a drink while surveying the room. Then he squinted toward me as he realized he wasn’t alone and with a surprised look he started toward me. Of all nights, why here? Why now?

N

It had been our worst day ever in a long and torturous battle. Since three o’clock that afternoon, when the asthma made its first attempt that day to strangle Andrea, our twelve-year-old daughter, we had been on guard for her life. First we rushed her to the hospital watching her struggle for every breath. Then we watched as the doctors and nurses battled with her asthma for the use of her lungs.


I admit I do not deal with this well, although you’d think I would with all the practice I’ve had. My wife and I have watched our daughter suffer all of her life, never certain when a sudden, life-threatening attack would send us scurrying to the hospital.

It makes me so angry to watch her suffer; no matter how much we’ve prayed for her and had others do the same, the asthma continues to get worse.


A couple of hours before, the medication had finally kicked in and she began to breathe more easily. My wife headed home to get some much-needed sleep and relieve her parents, who’d come to be with our other daughter. I stayed the night. Andrea finally fell asleep and I found my way to the cafeteria for something to drink and a quiet place to read. I was too wired to sleep.


Grateful to find the place deserted, I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down in the shadows of a distant corner. I was so angry I couldn’t even think straight. What have I done so wrong that my daughter must suffer like this? Why does God ignore my desperate pleas for her healing? Other parents gripe about playing taxicab for all their children’s activities; I don’t even know if Andrea will survive her next asthma attack, and I worry that the steroids she’s on will stunt her growth.


Somewhere in the middle of a good wallow in my anger, he poked his head into my private sanctuary. Now he was walking over to my table and I honestly thought about punching him in the mouth if he dared to open it. Deep down, though, I knew I wouldn’t. I’m violent only on the inside, not on the outside where anyone else can see it.


I’ve never met anyone more frustrating than John. I was so excited when we first met, and honestly I’ve never met anyone as wise as he. But he’s brought me nothing but grief. Since he’s come into my life, I’ve lost my lifelong dream job, been ostracized from the church I’d helped to start fifteen years before, and even found my marriage in rougher waters than I’d ever known.


To understand just how frustrated I am, you would have to come back with me to the day I first met John. As incredible as the beginning was, it doesn’t compare to all we’ve been through since.


My wife and I celebrated our seventeenth wedding anniversary by taking a three-day trip to Pismo Beach on the central California coast. On our way home on Saturday, we stopped in downtown San Luis Obispo for lunch and shopping. Its revitalized downtown is a major draw for the area and on this sunny April day the streets were jammed.


After lunch we split up since our preferred browsing places are quite different. I went to loiter in the bookstores while she trolled the clothing stores and gift shops. Finishing before our scheduled rendezvous time, I had perched myself against the wall of a store while enjoying a chocolate ice cream cone.


I couldn’t help but notice the heated argument going on a few feet up the street in front of The Gap. Four college-aged students and two middle-aged men were holding bright blue handbills and gesturing wildly. I had seen the handbills earlier, tucked under windshield wipers and lying scattered in the gutter. It was an invitation to a play about the flames of hell that was being produced at a local church.


“Who’d want to go to this second-rate production?”

“I’ll never set foot in a church again!”

“The only thing I learned in church was how to feel guilty!”

“Been there, done that, got the scars, and ain’t going back!”


In the few moments since I had begun eavesdropping, I think every one of them threw in a comment. Another would jump in as if he was going to burst from the pressure if he couldn’t add their own venom. “Where do these arrogant people get off thinking they can judge me?”

N

“I’d like to know what Jesus would think if he walked into one of these churches today!”

“I don’t think he’d go.”

“And if he did, he’d probably fall asleep.”

Laughter drowned him out.

“Or maybe he’d die laughing.”

“Or crying,” another voice offered, which caused everyone to pause and think a moment.

“Do you think he’d wear a suit?”

“Only to hide the whip he’d sneak in to do a little housecleaning.”


The increasing volume drew the attention of those passing by. Their pace would slow as they were drawn into the commotion. Some drawn by the passion and intrigued by the assault on something as sacred as religion joined in like puppies at the food bowl. Still others hung around on the fringes to listen. Some even asked me what was going on.

Then a full-fledged argument developed as some of the newcomers challenged the antichurch cynics. Accusations volleyed quickly in the crowd. Most of them I had heard before: complaints about extravagant facilities, hypocrites, boring sermons, always asking for money, and burnout from too many meetings. Those who sought to defend the church had to admit some of these weaknesses but tried to point out many good things churches have done.

That’s when I noticed him. He could have been anywhere from late thirties to early fifties. It was difficult to tell. He was short, perhaps only five foot four with dark, wavy hair and an unkempt beard. Both were peppered with streaks of gray. Wearing a faded green sweatshirt, jeans, and running shoes, he had a rugged look that made me wonder if he was a holdover from the rebellious sixties—except that he wasn’t shuffling by aimlessly.


In fact, what had caught my eye was the determined purpose of his gait, moving directly toward the growing debate. His face was as intense as a German shepherd when it’s pursuing an unfamiliar sound in the night. He seemed to melt into the crowd and then emerged in the center of it, surveying the more vocal ones. When his eyes turned in my direction, I was captured by their intensity. They were deep—and alive! I was riveted. He seemed to know something no one else did.


By this time the debate had turned hostile. Those who had attacked the church had turned their anger toward Jesus himself, mocking him as an impostor. As intended, that only made the churchgoers in the group more livid. “Wait until you have to look in his face as you sink into hell!” one said. I thought the combatants were going to start swinging at one another when the stranger floated his question into the crowd.


“You really have no idea what Jesus was like, do you?”


The words slipped off the man’s lips as gently as the breeze wafted through the trees overhead. They were in stark contrast to the heated argument that swirled around him. They were so softly spoken that I read them on his lips more than heard them. But their impact was not lost on the crowd. The noisy clamor subsided quickly as tension-filled faces gave way to puzzled expressions. Who said that? was the unspoken question that filled the eyes of their surprised faces as they scanned the others around them.


I chuckled under my breath because no one was looking at the man who had just spoken. For one thing, he was so short that it was easy to pass over him. But, intrigued by his demeanor, I had been watching him and the crowd for the last few moments.


As people were glancing around, he spoke again into the stunned silence. “Do you have any idea what he was like?” This time all eyes turned downward toward the voice and were surprised to see the man who’d spoken.


“What do you know about it, old man?” one of them finally asked, his mockery dripping off each word until the disapproving gaze of the crowd silenced him. He laughed it off and looked away, embarrassed, grateful that their eyes had swung back to the stranger. But the stranger was in no hurry to speak. The resulting silence hung in the air, far beyond the point of awkwardness. A few nervous glances and shrugs shot through the crowd, but no one spoke and no one left. During this time the man scanned the crowd pausing to hold each person’s gaze for a brief second. When he caught my eye, everything inside seemed to melt. I looked away instantly. After a few moments I glanced back, hoping he was no longer looking in my direction.

N

After what seemed an insufferably long time, he spoke again. His first words were whispered directly to the man who had threatened the others with hell. “You really have no idea what motivates you, do you?” His tone was one of sorrow, and his words sounded like an invitation. There was not a trace of anger in them. Embarrassed, the man threw his hands up and rolled his eyes as if he didn’t understand the question.


The stranger let him twist in the gaze of the crowd briefly, then, looking around the circle, he began to speak again, his words flowing softly. “He was nothing special to look at. He could walk down this street today and not one of you would even notice him. In fact, he had the kind of face you would shy away from, certain he wouldn’t fit in with your crowd. “But he was as gentle a man as one would ever know. He could silence detractors without ever raising his voice. He never bullied, never drew attention to himself, nor did he ever pretend to like what vexed his soul. He was real, to the very core.

“And at the core of that being was love.” The stranger paused and shook his head. “Wow! Did he love!” His eyes looked far past the crowd now, seeming to peer across the depths of time and space. “We didn’t even know what love was, until we saw it in him. It was everyone, too, even those who hated him. He still cared for them, hoping somehow they would find a way out of their self-inflicted souls to recognize who stood among them.

“And with all that love, he was completely honest. Yet even when his actions or words exposed people’s darkest motives, they didn’t feel shamed. They felt safe, really safe with him. His words conveyed not even a hint of judgment, simply an entreaty to come to God. There was no one you would trust more quickly with your deepest secrets. If someone was going to catch you at your worst moment, you’d want it to be him.

“He wasted no time mocking others, nor their religious trappings.” He glanced at those who had just done so. “If he had something to say to them, he’d say it and move on and you would know you’d been loved more than ever before.” Here the man stopped, his eyes closed and mouth clenched as if choking back tears that would melt him in an instant if he gave in to them.


“I’m not talking about mamby-pamby sentimentalism, either. He loved, really loved. It didn’t matter if you were Pharisee or prostitute, disciple or blind beggar, Jew, Samaritan, or Gentile. His love held itself out for any to embrace. Most did, too, when they saw him. Though so few ended up following him, for the few moments his presence passed by them, they tasted a freshness and power they could never deny even years later. Somehow he seemed to know everything about them but loved them deeply all the same.”


He paused and scanned the crowd. In the last couple of moments perhaps as many as thirty more people had stopped to listen, their gaze firmly on the man and their mouths agape in bewilderment. I can record his words here but am bereft of an adequate description of their impact.


No one within earshot could deny their power or their authenticity. They rang from the very depths of his soul. “And when he hung there from that filthy cross”—the man’s eyes looked up into the trees that towered over us—“that love still poured down-—on mocker and disillusioned friend alike.


As he approached the dark chamber of death, wearied of the torture and feeling separated from his Father, he continued to drink from the cup that would finally consume our self-will and shame. There was no finer moment in all of human history. His anguish became the conduit for his life to be shared with us. This was no madman. This was God’s Son, poured out to the last breath, to open full and free access for you to his Father.”


As he spoke further, I was struck by the intimacy of his words. He talked like someone who had been with him. In fact, I remember thinking, This man is exactly how I would picture John the Disciple to be.


No sooner had the thought crossed my mind than he stopped midsentence. Turning to his right, his eyes seemed to seek something in the crowd. Suddenly his eyes locked on mine. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and my body quivered with a wave of chills. He held my gaze for a moment; then a brief but certain smile spread over his lips as he winked and nodded at me.

N

At least that’s the way I remember it now. I was shocked at the time. Is he acknowledging my thought? That would be silly. Even if he were John, he wouldn’t be a mind reader. What am I thinking? How could he be a two-thousand-year-old disciple?

It’s just not possible.


As he turned away, I glanced behind me to see if anyone else could have been the target of his gaze. It didn’t look that way, and no one around me seemed to take notice of his wink and smile. I was stunned, feeling as if I’d just been hit in the head with an errant football. Electricity raked over my body as questions raced through my mind. I had to find out more about this stranger.


The crowd was swelling in size as more and more people poked their heads in, trying to figure out what was going on. Even the stranger seemed to grow increasingly uncomfortable with the spectacle the scene was quickly becoming.


“If I were you,” he said with a wink and a smile as his eyes swept over those who’d started the discussion, “I would waste far less time ragging on religion and find out just how much Jesus wants to be your friend without any strings attached.


He will care for you and, if given a chance, will become more real to you than your best friend. You will cherish him more than anything else you desire. He will give you a purpose and a fullness of life that will carry you through every stress and pain and will change you from the inside to show you what true freedom and joy really are.”


With that he turned and made his way through the crowd in the opposite direction from where I was standing. No one moved or said anything for a moment, unsure just how to end the confrontation and break up.


I tried to move through the crowd so that I could talk to this man personally. Could he really have been John? If not, who was he? How did he know the things he seemed to speak about so confidently?


It was difficult to navigate through the pack of people and keep my eye on John. I pushed my way through just in time to see him turn down a gap between two buildings. He was headed up Bubble Gum Alley, a forty-yard stretch of brick wall that joined the shopping district with a parking lot behind. It had gotten its name from the thousands of chewed-up wads of gum that had been affixed to the wall during the years. The array of colors made for an impressive if somewhat grotesque sight.


He was only fifteen feet in front of me when he went out of sight. I was relieved to know I’d at least get a chance to talk with him, for no one else had pursued him. I rounded the corner, prepared to call out for him to stop, but instead stopped instantly upon looking down the alley.


It was empty. I turned back to the street confused. Had he really turned in there? I looked both directions up the sidewalk but didn’t see any green sweatshirts like the one he was wearing.


No, he did go in there. I was certain of it. But he could not have covered the forty yards in the three seconds it had taken me to get to the alley.


My heart began to race. Fearful I would miss him. In a panic I finally ran down the alley past the brightly colored wads of gum. There was no doorway or nook where he could have gone. At the end I burst into the parking lot, scanning every direction at once.

Nothing.

A few people were getting out of their cars, but no sign of the stranger.

Confused, I ran back up the alley and into the street, surveying quickly for any green sweatshirts, all the time praying that I could find him again. I looked in nearby store windows and at passing cars, but to no avail. He was gone. I could have kicked myself for not having followed him more closely.


I finally sat down on a bench, a bit disoriented by the whole experience. I massaged my bowed forehead, trying to pull together a cohesive thought. I could hardly finish a sentence in my mind before another thought would intrude. Who was he, and what happened to him? His words had touched the deepest hungers of my heart and the thought of his wink at me still gave me the shivers.


I knew I’d never see him again and wrote off the whole morning as one of those inexplicable events in life that would never make any sense.


I couldn’t have been more wrong.


It is time to play a Wild Card! Every now and then, a book that I have chosen to read is going to pop up as a FIRST Wild Card Tour. Get dealt into the game! (Just click the button!) Wild Card Tours feature an author and his/her book's FIRST chapter!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!





Today's Wild Card authors are:



and



and the book:


So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore

Windblown Media (March 1, 2006)


ABOUT THE AUTHORS:


Wayne Jacobsen: age 55, Publisher of Windblown Media. Wayne is also the director of Lifestream Ministries, and he wanders around the planet helping people sort out what Jesus really taught. He is the author of So You Don’t Want to Go To Church Anymore, He Loves Me: Learning to Live in the Father’s Affection, Authentic Relationships: Discovering the Lost Art of One Anothering, In My Father’s Vineyard, Tales of the Vine, and The Naked Church and co-hosts a weekly podcast called The God Journey. For 20 years he was a pastor and also a Contributing Editor to Christianity Today’s Leadership Journal.

Wayne was a collaborator on The Shack. In his spare time, he acts as a mediator of religious conflicts in public education as the President of BRIDGEBUILDERS, and is recognized nationally for his expertise in resolving church and state issues. He lives in Moorpark, California with his wife of thirty-three years and enjoys his children and grandchildren.

Visit the author's website.




Dave Coleman is a retired hospice chaplain who continues to teach and counsel people on how to live closely with Jesus. Dave lives in Visalia, Caifornia.

Visit the author's website.




Product Details:

List Price: $11.99
Paperback: 191 pages
Publisher: Windblown Media (March 1, 2006)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0964729229
ISBN-13: 978-0964729223

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:


Stranger and Stranger Still


At that moment he was the last person I wanted to see. My day had been bad enough already; now I was certain it was about to get worse. Yet there he was. A moment before he had poked his head into the cafeteria, walked over to the beverage station, and poured himself some fruit juice. I thought about ducking under the table but quickly realized I was too old for that. Maybe he wouldn’t see me back in the corner. I looked down and covered my face with my hands.


Out of the cracks between my fingers, I could see he had turned, leaned back against the counter, and took a drink while surveying the room. Then he squinted toward me as he realized he wasn’t alone and with a surprised look he started toward me. Of all nights, why here? Why now?

N

It had been our worst day ever in a long and torturous battle. Since three o’clock that afternoon, when the asthma made its first attempt that day to strangle Andrea, our twelve-year-old daughter, we had been on guard for her life. First we rushed her to the hospital watching her struggle for every breath. Then we watched as the doctors and nurses battled with her asthma for the use of her lungs.


I admit I do not deal with this well, although you’d think I would with all the practice I’ve had. My wife and I have watched our daughter suffer all of her life, never certain when a sudden, life-threatening attack would send us scurrying to the hospital.

It makes me so angry to watch her suffer; no matter how much we’ve prayed for her and had others do the same, the asthma continues to get worse.


A couple of hours before, the medication had finally kicked in and she began to breathe more easily. My wife headed home to get some much-needed sleep and relieve her parents, who’d come to be with our other daughter. I stayed the night. Andrea finally fell asleep and I found my way to the cafeteria for something to drink and a quiet place to read. I was too wired to sleep.


Grateful to find the place deserted, I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down in the shadows of a distant corner. I was so angry I couldn’t even think straight. What have I done so wrong that my daughter must suffer like this? Why does God ignore my desperate pleas for her healing? Other parents gripe about playing taxicab for all their children’s activities; I don’t even know if Andrea will survive her next asthma attack, and I worry that the steroids she’s on will stunt her growth.


Somewhere in the middle of a good wallow in my anger, he poked his head into my private sanctuary. Now he was walking over to my table and I honestly thought about punching him in the mouth if he dared to open it. Deep down, though, I knew I wouldn’t. I’m violent only on the inside, not on the outside where anyone else can see it.


I’ve never met anyone more frustrating than John. I was so excited when we first met, and honestly I’ve never met anyone as wise as he. But he’s brought me nothing but grief. Since he’s come into my life, I’ve lost my lifelong dream job, been ostracized from the church I’d helped to start fifteen years before, and even found my marriage in rougher waters than I’d ever known.


To understand just how frustrated I am, you would have to come back with me to the day I first met John. As incredible as the beginning was, it doesn’t compare to all we’ve been through since.


My wife and I celebrated our seventeenth wedding anniversary by taking a three-day trip to Pismo Beach on the central California coast. On our way home on Saturday, we stopped in downtown San Luis Obispo for lunch and shopping. Its revitalized downtown is a major draw for the area and on this sunny April day the streets were jammed.


After lunch we split up since our preferred browsing places are quite different. I went to loiter in the bookstores while she trolled the clothing stores and gift shops. Finishing before our scheduled rendezvous time, I had perched myself against the wall of a store while enjoying a chocolate ice cream cone.


I couldn’t help but notice the heated argument going on a few feet up the street in front of The Gap. Four college-aged students and two middle-aged men were holding bright blue handbills and gesturing wildly. I had seen the handbills earlier, tucked under windshield wipers and lying scattered in the gutter. It was an invitation to a play about the flames of hell that was being produced at a local church.


“Who’d want to go to this second-rate production?”

“I’ll never set foot in a church again!”

“The only thing I learned in church was how to feel guilty!”

“Been there, done that, got the scars, and ain’t going back!”


In the few moments since I had begun eavesdropping, I think every one of them threw in a comment. Another would jump in as if he was going to burst from the pressure if he couldn’t add their own venom. “Where do these arrogant people get off thinking they can judge me?”

N

“I’d like to know what Jesus would think if he walked into one of these churches today!”

“I don’t think he’d go.”

“And if he did, he’d probably fall asleep.”

Laughter drowned him out.

“Or maybe he’d die laughing.”

“Or crying,” another voice offered, which caused everyone to pause and think a moment.

“Do you think he’d wear a suit?”

“Only to hide the whip he’d sneak in to do a little housecleaning.”


The increasing volume drew the attention of those passing by. Their pace would slow as they were drawn into the commotion. Some drawn by the passion and intrigued by the assault on something as sacred as religion joined in like puppies at the food bowl. Still others hung around on the fringes to listen. Some even asked me what was going on.

Then a full-fledged argument developed as some of the newcomers challenged the antichurch cynics. Accusations volleyed quickly in the crowd. Most of them I had heard before: complaints about extravagant facilities, hypocrites, boring sermons, always asking for money, and burnout from too many meetings. Those who sought to defend the church had to admit some of these weaknesses but tried to point out many good things churches have done.

That’s when I noticed him. He could have been anywhere from late thirties to early fifties. It was difficult to tell. He was short, perhaps only five foot four with dark, wavy hair and an unkempt beard. Both were peppered with streaks of gray. Wearing a faded green sweatshirt, jeans, and running shoes, he had a rugged look that made me wonder if he was a holdover from the rebellious sixties—except that he wasn’t shuffling by aimlessly.


In fact, what had caught my eye was the determined purpose of his gait, moving directly toward the growing debate. His face was as intense as a German shepherd when it’s pursuing an unfamiliar sound in the night. He seemed to melt into the crowd and then emerged in the center of it, surveying the more vocal ones. When his eyes turned in my direction, I was captured by their intensity. They were deep—and alive! I was riveted. He seemed to know something no one else did.


By this time the debate had turned hostile. Those who had attacked the church had turned their anger toward Jesus himself, mocking him as an impostor. As intended, that only made the churchgoers in the group more livid. “Wait until you have to look in his face as you sink into hell!” one said. I thought the combatants were going to start swinging at one another when the stranger floated his question into the crowd.


“You really have no idea what Jesus was like, do you?”


The words slipped off the man’s lips as gently as the breeze wafted through the trees overhead. They were in stark contrast to the heated argument that swirled around him. They were so softly spoken that I read them on his lips more than heard them. But their impact was not lost on the crowd. The noisy clamor subsided quickly as tension-filled faces gave way to puzzled expressions. Who said that? was the unspoken question that filled the eyes of their surprised faces as they scanned the others around them.


I chuckled under my breath because no one was looking at the man who had just spoken. For one thing, he was so short that it was easy to pass over him. But, intrigued by his demeanor, I had been watching him and the crowd for the last few moments.


As people were glancing around, he spoke again into the stunned silence. “Do you have any idea what he was like?” This time all eyes turned downward toward the voice and were surprised to see the man who’d spoken.


“What do you know about it, old man?” one of them finally asked, his mockery dripping off each word until the disapproving gaze of the crowd silenced him. He laughed it off and looked away, embarrassed, grateful that their eyes had swung back to the stranger. But the stranger was in no hurry to speak. The resulting silence hung in the air, far beyond the point of awkwardness. A few nervous glances and shrugs shot through the crowd, but no one spoke and no one left. During this time the man scanned the crowd pausing to hold each person’s gaze for a brief second. When he caught my eye, everything inside seemed to melt. I looked away instantly. After a few moments I glanced back, hoping he was no longer looking in my direction.

N

After what seemed an insufferably long time, he spoke again. His first words were whispered directly to the man who had threatened the others with hell. “You really have no idea what motivates you, do you?” His tone was one of sorrow, and his words sounded like an invitation. There was not a trace of anger in them. Embarrassed, the man threw his hands up and rolled his eyes as if he didn’t understand the question.


The stranger let him twist in the gaze of the crowd briefly, then, looking around the circle, he began to speak again, his words flowing softly. “He was nothing special to look at. He could walk down this street today and not one of you would even notice him. In fact, he had the kind of face you would shy away from, certain he wouldn’t fit in with your crowd. “But he was as gentle a man as one would ever know. He could silence detractors without ever raising his voice. He never bullied, never drew attention to himself, nor did he ever pretend to like what vexed his soul. He was real, to the very core.

“And at the core of that being was love.” The stranger paused and shook his head. “Wow! Did he love!” His eyes looked far past the crowd now, seeming to peer across the depths of time and space. “We didn’t even know what love was, until we saw it in him. It was everyone, too, even those who hated him. He still cared for them, hoping somehow they would find a way out of their self-inflicted souls to recognize who stood among them.

“And with all that love, he was completely honest. Yet even when his actions or words exposed people’s darkest motives, they didn’t feel shamed. They felt safe, really safe with him. His words conveyed not even a hint of judgment, simply an entreaty to come to God. There was no one you would trust more quickly with your deepest secrets. If someone was going to catch you at your worst moment, you’d want it to be him.

“He wasted no time mocking others, nor their religious trappings.” He glanced at those who had just done so. “If he had something to say to them, he’d say it and move on and you would know you’d been loved more than ever before.” Here the man stopped, his eyes closed and mouth clenched as if choking back tears that would melt him in an instant if he gave in to them.


“I’m not talking about mamby-pamby sentimentalism, either. He loved, really loved. It didn’t matter if you were Pharisee or prostitute, disciple or blind beggar, Jew, Samaritan, or Gentile. His love held itself out for any to embrace. Most did, too, when they saw him. Though so few ended up following him, for the few moments his presence passed by them, they tasted a freshness and power they could never deny even years later. Somehow he seemed to know everything about them but loved them deeply all the same.”


He paused and scanned the crowd. In the last couple of moments perhaps as many as thirty more people had stopped to listen, their gaze firmly on the man and their mouths agape in bewilderment. I can record his words here but am bereft of an adequate description of their impact.


No one within earshot could deny their power or their authenticity. They rang from the very depths of his soul. “And when he hung there from that filthy cross”—the man’s eyes looked up into the trees that towered over us—“that love still poured down-—on mocker and disillusioned friend alike.


As he approached the dark chamber of death, wearied of the torture and feeling separated from his Father, he continued to drink from the cup that would finally consume our self-will and shame. There was no finer moment in all of human history. His anguish became the conduit for his life to be shared with us. This was no madman. This was God’s Son, poured out to the last breath, to open full and free access for you to his Father.”


As he spoke further, I was struck by the intimacy of his words. He talked like someone who had been with him. In fact, I remember thinking, This man is exactly how I would picture John the Disciple to be.


No sooner had the thought crossed my mind than he stopped midsentence. Turning to his right, his eyes seemed to seek something in the crowd. Suddenly his eyes locked on mine. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and my body quivered with a wave of chills. He held my gaze for a moment; then a brief but certain smile spread over his lips as he winked and nodded at me.

N

At least that’s the way I remember it now. I was shocked at the time. Is he acknowledging my thought? That would be silly. Even if he were John, he wouldn’t be a mind reader. What am I thinking? How could he be a two-thousand-year-old disciple?

It’s just not possible.


As he turned away, I glanced behind me to see if anyone else could have been the target of his gaze. It didn’t look that way, and no one around me seemed to take notice of his wink and smile. I was stunned, feeling as if I’d just been hit in the head with an errant football. Electricity raked over my body as questions raced through my mind. I had to find out more about this stranger.


The crowd was swelling in size as more and more people poked their heads in, trying to figure out what was going on. Even the stranger seemed to grow increasingly uncomfortable with the spectacle the scene was quickly becoming.


“If I were you,” he said with a wink and a smile as his eyes swept over those who’d started the discussion, “I would waste far less time ragging on religion and find out just how much Jesus wants to be your friend without any strings attached.


He will care for you and, if given a chance, will become more real to you than your best friend. You will cherish him more than anything else you desire. He will give you a purpose and a fullness of life that will carry you through every stress and pain and will change you from the inside to show you what true freedom and joy really are.”


With that he turned and made his way through the crowd in the opposite direction from where I was standing. No one moved or said anything for a moment, unsure just how to end the confrontation and break up.


I tried to move through the crowd so that I could talk to this man personally. Could he really have been John? If not, who was he? How did he know the things he seemed to speak about so confidently?


It was difficult to navigate through the pack of people and keep my eye on John. I pushed my way through just in time to see him turn down a gap between two buildings. He was headed up Bubble Gum Alley, a forty-yard stretch of brick wall that joined the shopping district with a parking lot behind. It had gotten its name from the thousands of chewed-up wads of gum that had been affixed to the wall during the years. The array of colors made for an impressive if somewhat grotesque sight.


He was only fifteen feet in front of me when he went out of sight. I was relieved to know I’d at least get a chance to talk with him, for no one else had pursued him. I rounded the corner, prepared to call out for him to stop, but instead stopped instantly upon looking down the alley.


It was empty. I turned back to the street confused. Had he really turned in there? I looked both directions up the sidewalk but didn’t see any green sweatshirts like the one he was wearing.


No, he did go in there. I was certain of it. But he could not have covered the forty yards in the three seconds it had taken me to get to the alley.


My heart began to race. Fearful I would miss him. In a panic I finally ran down the alley past the brightly colored wads of gum. There was no doorway or nook where he could have gone. At the end I burst into the parking lot, scanning every direction at once.

Nothing.

A few people were getting out of their cars, but no sign of the stranger.

Confused, I ran back up the alley and into the street, surveying quickly for any green sweatshirts, all the time praying that I could find him again. I looked in nearby store windows and at passing cars, but to no avail. He was gone. I could have kicked myself for not having followed him more closely.


I finally sat down on a bench, a bit disoriented by the whole experience. I massaged my bowed forehead, trying to pull together a cohesive thought. I could hardly finish a sentence in my mind before another thought would intrude. Who was he, and what happened to him? His words had touched the deepest hungers of my heart and the thought of his wink at me still gave me the shivers.


I knew I’d never see him again and wrote off the whole morning as one of those inexplicable events in life that would never make any sense.


I couldn’t have been more wrong.


What a needed discussion!!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

FIRST: He Loves Me! by Wayne Jacobsen



It is time to play a Wild Card! Every now and then, a book that I have chosen to read is going to pop up as a FIRST Wild Card Tour. Get dealt into the game! (Just click the button!) Wild Card Tours feature an author and his/her book's FIRST chapter!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!





Today's Wild Card author is:


and the book:


He Loves Me! Learning to Live in the Father's Affection

Windblown Media; 2nd edition (August 31, 2007)


ABOUT THE AUTHOR:


Wayne Jacobsen: age 55, Publisher of Windblown Media. Wayne is also the director of Lifestream Ministries, and he wanders around the planet helping people sort out what Jesus really taught. He is the author of So You Don’t Want to Go To Church Anymore, He Loves Me: Learning to Live in the Father’s Affection, Authentic Relationships: Discovering the Lost Art of One Anothering, In My Father’s Vineyard, Tales of the Vine, and The Naked Church and co-hosts a weekly podcast called The God Journey. For 20 years he was a pastor and also a Contributing Editor to Christianity Today’s Leadership Journal.

Wayne was a collaborator on The Shack. In his spare time, he acts as a mediator of religious conflicts in public education as the President of BRIDGEBUILDERS, and is recognized nationally for his expertise in resolving church and state issues. He lives in Moorpark, California with his wife of thirty-three years and enjoys his children and grandchildren.

Visit the author's website.

Product Details:

List Price: $11.99
Paperback: 208 pages
Publisher: Windblown Media; 2nd edition (August 31, 2007)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0964729253
ISBN-13: 978-0964729254

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:


He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

Daisy-Petal Christianity


THE LITTLE GIRL STANDS in the backyard chanting as she plucks petals one by one from the daisy and drops them to the ground. At game’s end, the last petal tells all: whether or not the person desired returns the affection.


Of course no one takes it seriously, and if children don’t get the answer they desire, they take another daisy and start again. It doesn’t take long even for children to realize that flowers weren’t designed to tell romantic fortunes. Why should they link their hearts’ desires to the fickleness of chance?


Why indeed! But it is a lesson far easier learned in romance than in more spiritual pursuits. For long after we’ve put away our daisies, many of us continue to play the game with God. This time we don’t pluck flower petals but probe through our circumstances trying to figure out exactly how God feels about us.


I got a raise. He loves me.

I didn’t get the promotion I wanted; I lost my job altogether. He loves me not!

Something in the Bible inspired me today. He loves me!

My child is seriously ill. He loves me not!

I gave money to someone in need. He loves me!

I let my anger get the best of me. He loves me not!

Something for which I prayed actually happened. He loves me!

I stretched the truth to get myself out of a tight spot.

He loves me not!

A friend called me unexpectedly to encourage me. He loves me!

My car needs a new transmission. He loves me not!


A PERILOUS TIGHTROPE


I have played that game most of my life, trying to sort out in any given moment how God might feel about me personally. I grew up learning that he is a God of love, and for the most part I believed it to be true. In good times, nothing is easier to believe. On days when my family is healthy and our relationships a joy, when my ministry thrives and both income and opportunity increase, when we have plenty of time to enjoy our friends and are not burdened with need, who wouldn’t be certain of God’s love?


But that certainty erodes when those times of bliss are interrupted with more troublesome events. A childhood condition that provided no end of embarrassment.

The day one of my friends in high school died of a brain tumor even as we prayed earnestly for his healing. When I wasn’t selected for a job I wanted in college because someone had lied about me.


The night my house was robbed. When I was severely burned in a kitchen accident. When I watched my father-in-law and my brother both die with debilitating illnesses even though they sought God earnestly for healing. When colleagues in ministry lied to me and spread false stories about me to win the support of others. When I didn’t know from where my next paycheck would come. When I saw my wife crushed by circumstances that I couldn’t get God to change, no matter how hard I tried. When doors of opportunity that appeared certain to open would suddenly slam shut like a windblown door. Then I wondered how God really felt about me. I couldn’t understand how a God who loved me either would allow such things into my life or wouldn’t fix them immediately so that I or people I loved wouldn’t have to endure such pain. He loves me not! Or so I thought on those days. My disappointment with God could easily turn two directions.

Often in my pain and frustration, when I felt as if I had done enough to deserve better, I would rail at God like the Job of old, accusing him of being either unfair or unloving.

In more honest moments, however, I was well aware of the temptations and failures that could exclude me from his care. I would come out of those times committed to trying harder to live the life I thought would merit his love. I lived for thirty-four years as a believer on this perilous tightrope. Even when there was no crisis hanging over my head, I was always wary of the next one God might drop on me at any second if I couldn’t stay on his good side. In some ways I had become like the schizophrenic child of an abusive father, never certain what God I’d meet on any given day—the one who wanted to scoop me up in his arms with laughter, or the one who would ignore me or punish me for reasons I could never understand. Only in the last twelve years have I discovered that my methods of discerning God’s love were as flawed as pulling petals from a daisy. I haven’t been the same since.


CONVINCING EVIDENCE


What about you?

Have you ever felt tossed back and forth by circumstances, occasionally certain but mostly uncertain about how the Creator of the universe feels about you? Or perhaps you’ve never even known how much God loves you.


In a Bible study recently, I met a forty-year-old woman who was active in her fellowship but admitted to a small group of us that she had never been certain that God loved her. She seemed to want to tell me more but finally only asked me to pray for her. As I did, asking God to reveal just how much he loved her, an image came to mind. I saw a figure I knew to be Jesus walking through a meadow hand in hand with a little girl about five years old. Somehow I knew this woman was that little girl. I prayed that he would help her discover a childlikeness of spirit that would allow her to skip through the meadows with him. When I finished praying I looked up at her eyes, brimming with tears.

“Did you say ‘meadow’?” she asked.


I nodded, thinking it odd she had focused on that word. Immediately she began to cry. When she was able to speak, she said, “I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell you. When I was five years old I was molested in a meadow by an older boy. Whenever I think about God, I think about that horrible event and I wonder why, if he loved me so much, he didn’t stop that from happening.”

She’s not alone. Many people carry scars and disappointments that appear to be convincing evidence that the God of love does not exist or, if he does, he maintains a safe distance from them and leaves them to the whim of other people’s sins. I don’t have a stock answer for moments like that, as if any could be effective in the midst of such pain. I told her that evidently


God wanted her to know he had been there with her, and although he didn’t act in the only way she could understand true love to act, he loved her nonetheless. He wanted to walk her through that defiled meadow and redeem it in her life.


He wanted to give her a measure of joy in the face of the most traumatic event of her life and turn what had destroyed her ability to trust into a stepping-stone toward grace. I know that can sound almost trite in the face of such incredible pain, but the process has begun for her. Eight months later I received an excited e-mail from her telling me in 270-point type, “I get it!” Does that mean she understands why it happened to her? Of course not. Nothing could explain that. But it does mean that God’s love was big enough to contain that horrible event and walk her out of it. It is my hope these words will encourage that process in you as well.


PERCEPTION VERSUS REALITY


Truly God has never acted toward us in any way other than with a depth of love that defies human understanding. I know it may not look like that at times. When he seems to callously disregard our most noble prayers, our trust in him can be easily shattered and we wonder if he cares for us. We can even come up with a list of our own failures that seemingly justify God’s indifference and beckon us into a dark whirlpool of selfloathing.


When we’re playing the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not game, the evidence against God can appear overwhelming. For reasons we will probe throughout these pages, God does not often do the things we think his love would compel him to do for us. He often seems to stand by with indifference while we suffer. How often does he seem to disappoint our most noble expectations? But perception is not necessarily reality. If we define God only in our limited interpretation of our own circumstances, we will never discover who he really is. He has provided a far better way.


Our daisy-petal approach to Christianity can be swallowed up by the undeniable proof of his love for us on the cross of Calvary. That’s the side of the cross that has all but been ignored in recent decades. We did not see what really happened there between the Father and his Son that opened the door to his love so vast and so certain that it cannot be challenged even by our darkest days.


Through that door we can really know who God is and embrace a relationship with him that our deepest hearts have hungered to experience. That is where we’ll begin, because it is only in the context of the relationship God desires with us that we can discover the full glory of his love.


He does love you more deeply than you’ve ever imagined; he has done so throughout your entire life. Once you embrace that truth, your troubles will never again drive you to question God’s affection for you or whether you’ve done enough to merit it. Instead of fearing he has turned his back on you, you will be able to trust his love at the moments you need him most. You will even see how that love can flow out of you in the strangest ways to touch a world starved for it.


Learning to trust him like that is not something any of us can resolve in an instant; it’s something we’ll grow to discover for the whole of our lives. God knows how difficult it is for us to accept his love, and he teaches us with more patience than we’ve ever known. Through every circum-

stance and in the most surprising ways, he makes his love known to us in ways we can understand. So perhaps it’s time to toss your daisies aside and discover that it is not the fear of losing God’s love that will keep you on his path, but the simple joy of living in it every day.

On the day you discover that, you will truly begin to live!


How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

—1 John 3:1


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For Your Personal Journey

How often do you find yourself doubting God’s love for you? When do you question his love the most? How certain are you that God loves you as deeply as he does anyone else in the world? When difficulties arise, do you find yourself doubting God’s love for you or trying to be more righteous so he’ll like you more? Ask God in the days ahead to reveal the depths of his love for you.


For Group Discussion

1. Share an experience you went through in which you really doubted if God cared about you.

2. How do you feel about it now? If you’re still unsure, what might you ask God to do to change your perception of that event?

3. If you look back now and know that God loved you even if you didn’t recognize it at the time, what did you learn in the process?

4. How can we encourage one another to be certain, instead of doubtful, about God’s love?